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[23 Nov 2009|11:00am] |
This is going to be a good week. I can tell.
Sunday at work wasn't so bad.
&Thursday is Thanksgiving.
Also, other things that are special to me.
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[20 Nov 2009|02:30am] |
I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I just feel a little crazy. I can't tell if I'm feeling angry or sad or upset, or what. Half of me is disgusted, & the other half wants me to just forgive myself. I'm so unappealing, so useless, I don't see any good in myself a lot of the time. I do so many horrible things, think so many horrible thoughts, & let down the people that are closest to me. I'm at a point that if keep this up, I don't think I can stand myself much longer.
On the other hand, I keep myself distracted, happy. Give myself things to do to occupy my time. Although, most of it is meaningless. Right now I'm full up, but of nothing with value. No, I am not a very valuable person. What have I contributed ? Not too much, if anything at all.
If I don't change that soon, I don't know. Only I can help myself. No body else is responsible for what I do or have done.
I need quiet, I need to think. I want to change. I want to be worth something.
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[15 Nov 2009|03:34am] |
I keep asking myself the "What's next ?" question. But I don't know how to answer it.
I really don't want to get up& go to work tomorrow.
Please, help me find a new job. I don't want this one anymore. I want something fun, but something that challenges me. Something that'll help me learn something, hopefully explore a little. I know that's a lot to ask for, being a young person.
I've been okay for the most part, lately. I really need to create. That's what I've been craving most, I think. I should probably sleep.
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[11 Oct 2009|01:29am] |
Changing seasons.
Sometimes I feel like I'm losing it. I really think I am. Even though right now I'm kind of starting to put things back together& salvage myself. I don't even know what I'm waiting for. I not sure what the sign looks like, but I'm looking for it. I'm just kind of waiting for something else to go wrong, I think. I'm used to being disappointed.
But I don't want to be. I think I deserve to be happy. I want things to start going right, the way they should. I just need to keep pushing myself& trying, because that's all I can do.
I need to explain myself more to people. I need them to know how I'm feeling. But if I do, it just makes me think I'm being horrible& difficult. I want others to put themselves before me, because I'm adaptable. I'm resilient. I make myself comfortable easily.
Be nice to everyone you meet, because everyone is fighting their own battles, too.
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[20 Sep 2009|02:25pm] |
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I am crouched in my sprinting stance.
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[08 Sep 2009|09:47pm] |
I know what I want.
Hurry up.
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[01 Sep 2009|02:13am] |
In the morning, I am going to finish a painting that I think I'm really going to end up liking. Whenever I finish a project that I really like, I want to give it away. I want other people to look at it& think it's cool, too.
I'm watching Home Movies right now. I've seen this episode before.
"It feels soft."
"It feels flat."
"It feels soft& flat. Like a bathroom mat."
"It feels forced."
"IT feels like someone forced a bathroom mat into like, a hamper."
I have a lot of Home Movie episodes taped onto VHS. What if Coach McGuirk was really your soccer coach ? I think that'd be a lot of fun.
If I had to pick a favourite movie in general right now, I think I'd pick The Fall. I could watch it lots of times& probably not get sick of it. I saw it alone at The Main in Royal Oak when it first came out. I was deciding between seeing The Fall or Mister Lonely, but I was more in the mood to see The Fall, based on the trailer. The trailer for The Fall is really cool.
I'm reading Wonder Boys right now. I didn't even know it was a book until I went to Kt's house& saw that she had bought it. I've owned the movie Wonder Boys on tape for the past three years. I bought it the same time I bought BASEketball. The last movie I watched on VHS was Evil Dead 2.
I'm really excited for the two weddings I'm going to next week. I bought this adorable dress. It's like a housewife in the fifties, except pretty short, tighter,& I guess generally "sexier." I'll post pics later. Lol. But seriously, it is a very cute dress, but with the shoes I'm wearing with it, my sister said I look like Alice in Wonderland. I love any excuse I can find to wear a dress. I love getting all cuted up& looking foxy. It makes me feel pretty. I look pretty cute in dresses. Style.
I'm also re-reading Killing Yourself to Live by Chuck Klosterman. That's my favourite book by him. &For a little while, I was reading Long Day's Journey Into Night.
My favourite brand of pizza is Mothers, then Hungry Howies. I think Dominos& Pizza Hut are not very good.
It seems Autumn is coming early this year, which is fine with me. I absolutely love the colours of the season. I love wearing long sleeves& jackets. Cider mills& hay rides. Crisp nights& foggy mornings. Pumpkin Spice Lattes at Starbucks. Yes, I love Starbucks.
I'm really good at mowing the lawn. I do a quality job, if I may say so. I actually really like working around in the yard, watering the flowers, things such as that. I like sitting on the roof of the garage.
I miss stencil graffiti. I would really like to go to a puppet show. I think I'm going to Cedar Point for Halloweekends. I'm writing a comic. I don't mind being alone. I download a lot of songs from Daytrotter Sessions. I drink at least three bottles of water a day. I like watching people play Left 4 Dead. I think I need more weird friends. I can beat anyone at a game of dots. I can play the cigar box guitar, but no one really cares.
So, I guess they're making a Labyrinth 2. Rosemary's Baby is going to be a midnight movie next month. If I had Sifl& Olly on dvd, my life would be pretty darn close to complete.
I seem to attract strangers. I guess because I'm cute, or something, I don't really know. Maybe I'm approachable. But then, I have nothing interesting to say to anyone. They lose interest in my easily. Or, I lose my glitter, at least.
I want to take pictures of people. That I don't know. &Then just keep a collection of them. Well, I want to tell them that I'm going to take a picture of them, then do it, thank them,& leave. I don't want to have a stop& chat.
When I went to the duck pond last week, I was sitting by the edge of the pond, on a wooden bench. There were A LOT of waterfowl around that day. Just wondering around, harassing people for food. Then these two men came up to the pond with fishin' gear. One of the guys turns, looks at one of the swans,& said, "That is one FAT duck. He's like a linebacker."
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[21 Aug 2009|03:44am] |
When I was probably about eight, there was an incident that occurred that I could never shake off. It will forever haunt me, for whatever reason. I'll try to explain it as best I can right now.
At some point in the wintertime, I was staying over my aunt's house. Everyone that was there that weekend was: me, my sister Lindsay, my cousins Tory& Tessa, my aunt,& my grandmother who is now dead. We spent the day doing family things, kid things, arts& crafts, played with toys, made up stories. After dinner we probably all watched a show on television together. But after that, we all dispersed, doing all our own separate things like showering, reading, my grandmother went off to sleep.
My younger cousin Tessa, who was probably about five at the time, was in the front room alone. She was stacking video tapes off the side of the coffee table in a very unstable fashion. She kept stacking& stacking, then when it was high enough, she put this fish snow-globe on top of it all.
I happened to walk in, seeing her unsupervised. I saw the snow-globe teetering on top of the tape stack. Tessa got up& ran out of the room to do other five year old things. I was trying to assess the situation when I noticed that the tape stack was slipping over. The snow-globe was going to fall. So, I ran over to where the leaning tower of tapes was, but it was too late. By the time I was in reach of the globe, it was already falling. It hit the ground with a smash. The glass shattered& could be heard throughout the house.
My aunt showed up in the threshold of the room that connects with the kitchen& saw what happened. She saw the water puddling, the faux-coral base of the snow-globe,& the little porcelain fish from within the globe. Glass was all over the floor. She cleaned up the wreckage, saving the base& the fish.
Needless to say, I was blamed for the snow-globe breaking that night. I was punished& had everyone believe that it was my bad behaviour that ended in a broken knick-knack. I tried to explain the entire scenario to my aunt at the time of it happening, but she never believed me. How could an innocent little five year old ever plan to do something like that. I tired to explain how that is exactly something that a five year old would do. Yet, I was still the one that was blamed. I'm the one who had my feelings hurt. I'm the one who had to feel bad for something that I never actually did.
All these years have gone by,& I never brought it up with anyone in the family. I assume they either wouldn't believe me still, think that I just want to blame someone else for my bad karma, or they just wouldn't even remember what I'm talking about.
Either way, I'm just not really used to having people actually truly care about my feelings or what I have to say. Sure, they listen to me& put up with what I talk about or express, but I've never had people who genuinely care. They listen, but they don't really hear what I'm saying. I don't want to sound whiny, I'm just trying to explain how my brain works. Sometimes when I'm talking, I avoid telling the flat-out truth, because I feel like whoever I'm talking to probably doesn't care or want to hear about my feelings.
I'm trying to get over it, but I'm just not used to it. Having someone actually care about my feelings, that is. It's a process. I have this wall up,& people deserve to be let in. I've just been building it up for so long,& I've been keeping so many people out because of all my past& my experiences& bad things that have happened to me, I'm just so used to keeping my feelings out of it. It'll all get better, though. I swear I'm working on it.
( Here's my photoshop interpretation of the coffee table mishap. )
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[17 Aug 2009|04:09am] |
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Balance.
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[12 Aug 2009|02:27am] |
Outside, the night air smells like resin& laundry.
I can feel the warmth of the air holding me.
The colour of the sky is cozy,& the rustling of the leaves high in the tress is distant& relaxing.
I miss this nighttime.
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| I feel cold. |
[05 Aug 2009|01:43am] |
I feel responsible for things that I should not have any control over.
I don't really wish on stars anymore, because I have nothing else to hope for: I have the one thing that makes me happiest. But, I guess the things that bring you the most joy -- if it can supply you with that strong of feelings, then for as much as it can make you happy it can have the ability to hurt you just as much.
I seem to only put on a vinyl lately if I'm in some kind of upset state. The record scratching noise is comforting, helps cheer me up.
I'd be lying if I told you that people's opinions of me don't matter. I mean, on a grand scale they don't, but to people in my personal life that I love& seek some sort of acceptance from, I definitely care what they think of me. I really hope they like me, or at least find some redeeming qualities in me. God knows I don't see many in myself.
I can flat-out say that I'm not good enough. Most things I try at, I fail or am just awful. Or even if I'm being encouraged I feel like they'd be lying to me. How could I possibly be doing anything successfully ? Most of my life has just been disappointment, or me disappointing someone else. It's tough, but I have to be realistic.
When one thing bothers me out of nowhere I try to bounce back, I honestly do. But then I just start thinking about all the other things& points in my life that I've screwed up or ruined or forgot or broken or lied about or had taken away from me. I try to act as caring& cheerful as I can, but sometimes it all just piles up on me& all I can see is sadness in my own life.
When I was a little kid& I did something bad to get yelled at or disciplined, I would usually just bottle up the way it made me feel. Then when I got to my room, I would cry. I would cry for being yelled at, but mostly I would cry because I felt horrible in my own skin for doing something bad. I didn't want to do something wrong. I wholly& truly felt awful for being bad& messing up. Not because I'm a perfectionist or something, but because I cannot stand having people know that I did a bad thing. I don't want others to think that I'm a troublemaker or over-emotional, because I am neither of those. Carly Jayne Howard is not a bad person in any way.
I do wish people knew exactly what is on my mind, what I'm thinking, what my brain is SHOUTING when I'm upset or sad or feeling alone. I know I'm not alone alone, but sometimes I feel like the black sheep& others do no get why I'm bothered by a particular thing. It's just that when I'm feeling submissive& silent, I WANT you to know what's really going through my head. It's just really difficult for me to say it. I'm sorry for that.
When I don't respond to you when you say you're sorry; what I'm thinking is "please don't apologize."
If I do want an apology, I'd let you know.
When I don't respond to you when you share your feelings; what I'm thinking is "please say more, I'm listening& I want you to go on."
If I do say something back, it's because I'm looking for a specific answer.
You know those times in your life when things seem to be all right, running smooth,& you're quite sure you're happy... but then all of a sudden, out of no where something unwanted happens. So you're trying to deal with that, but then something else bad happens. Then another. Soon it seems like you can't get out of this bad mood no matter what company you're in or how much they try to brighten your spirits. &Even something so small that would never bother you otherwise seems to upset you now. It's just that slump that we all go though occasionally. It'll be over soon, but we just need support. &Love. Especially from the people that we hold closest.
There are a lot of different things that I need to take care of& soon. I feel left behind. But I just cannot bring myself to start. I'm in the process of beginning everything, but I feel like I'm too late in the game.
I want to be brave.
I want to be more interesting.
I want to face my fear& have a story to tell afterward.
I want to be lovable.
I want to be kind, polite,& someone people can relate to.
I want to be less awkward.
I want help.
I want to grow up, but not all at once.
I want to stop hurting the people I love.
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[27 Jul 2009|02:41am] |
If you told everybody everything, what else is there ?
You need secrets or else you'd be hollow.
Without secrets, you'd just be one open book.
Without secrets, I'd have nothing left for myself.
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[22 Jul 2009|02:20am] |
I'm used to being under-appreciated& mistreated. Threatened, misunderstood, walked-on, taken advantage of,& not much consideration for my feelings. People have lied to me, used me, shoved me, pressured me, made me feel like nothing. The feelings of being quite insignificant& worthless are nothing new to me. Often times I'm left feeling empty, dejected, uncared for& kicked aside. Others take their own aggressions out on me, rip me off, or cheat something out of me. I've been forced to feel uncomfortable, defeated, inadequate,& hideous by those close to me.
Just please, don't make me feel any more unwanted than I already do.
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[06 Jul 2009|12:52am] |
When I reminisce, I think about : work, weather, insomnia, being messy, apologizing for my behaviour, being happy& laughing, Beethoven, liking something that everyone else is against, my cats, riding my bike on a path, echoes, getting bored, shared hardships, melodies that stick with you, tattoos, my sister, libraries, growing up, waiting to be loved.
Staying up late just to try& make the day last longer.
Wishing that people would listen to me.
Getting over old feelings.
Obvious regrets.
I really really love to draw. But, I'm not good at it at all. This is one example that no matter what you decide in life, it doesn't matter what other people think about it. Do you love it ? Does it make you happy ? Is it something that brings out some kind of expression of emotions you have flowing through you ? Then you should do it. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, honestly. Because for every one person who brings you down& makes you feel bad, there is going to be ten more people who want to encourage you& make you feel better.
Sometimes you rehearse something over& over,& no matter how hard you try it always gets messed up in the end. The outcome wasn't what you hoped it'd be. But that's okay, because you can always try again. There's always another shot for you somewhere or some other time. If you have enough passion for something, nothing should keep you away from it.
When the sky is completely covered in clouds& it's slightly cooler out than it should be; that is how I wish it always was. I love the feeling of clouds, they make me feel comfortable& closed in& secure. I absolutely hate the colour of the sky. That blue colour is not attractive to me at all. I love clouds. They just make me feel really nice. When it's a full cloudy day, it half makes me feel like I'm in a black& white movie, which is very lovely to me. I really like that idea. I like when it's drizzly all day. That mist in the air. It makes me happy.
I really like when people tell me personal stories that mean absolutely nothing. I really like anecdotes. Especially from people that I don't know very well. I like when people give me more of an insight to their lives. I like trying to figure out people. I always keep those stories with me. Like when Eric was telling me about his new kitten named Cinnamon,& then he showed me a picture of her on his cell phone. Those things make me very happy.
I looked at a page of a notebook that I have, where I wrote the whole page in light purple felt-tip pen, & then outlined some things in black fine-point marker. It looks nice. It was on Kennedy's thirteenth birthday. I wrote things like, "my arms are wrapped around the moon",& "it's too cold. it's too cold for children." I wrote "fall&rise" in cursive.
I'm pretty sure I've cried more in my life from being happy, than I have from times when I was crying for being sad.
Things that irritate/upset me are way more particular than things that do not, but should.
Always keep an open mind& remember that you're never done.
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[28 Jun 2009|03:30am] |
I'm feeling your lips are closer to mine.
Your hands on my hips, shivers shoot up my spine.
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[26 Jun 2009|02:00am] |
No, it's not going to be okay.
But that's okay.
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[22 Jun 2009|03:13am] |
I've been feeling extremely lascivious lately.
Take that in whatever way you wish.
Kathleen& I went swimming today, & when I got out of the pool I didn't brush it or do anything to it, & now I look like Hermione. It just curled itself, which makes me look young.
But, I am young, so I guess that's nothing too crazy.
We watched the Ali G movie at her house, & she put on a presentation for me.
Kathleen sells knives now, which is interesting. She was doing her knife-selling demo for me, when she handed me one of the example knifes. I touched the blade with my finger& gashed it. It actually hurt pretty bad. Then I put the Band Aid on too tight, so that made my finger hurt a little more. But I'm fine now, so don't worry. Cutco, the world's finest cutlery.
It was a fun presentation, though. Kathleen just needs to practice it a little more& she'll be selling kitchen sets in no time !
There are so many moments in my life where I felt like I should have tried to grasp on a little harder. I feel like I should appreciate all these moments more. I let it all pass by me so quickly.
Because you never know when it's all going to be taken away, you need to take it all in while you have it in your arms. When you're in that exact moment, look around you: remember how it feels. Look up, look down, breathe in& embrace it. Don't let it all pass you by. Do whatever you have to do to remember it vividly in your head. You never know when you're going to want to recall it.
Just don't forget how it makes you feel when you went canoeing for the first time. Or when you read your favourite book. Or when you're sad or lonely,& you have someone to talk to that makes you feel better about yourself. Or spinning on a tire swing that goes too fast. Or having that fluttery feeling in the pit of your stomach when you make eye contact with the person you love. Or the coziness of luxurious hotel sheets.
Even the not so pleasant moments, like giving your first speech in front of the class. Or when you get in an argument with someone you care about. You need to remember all these times to help you overcome other hardships in your future.
Always reminisce because if you forget, you won't even remember what you've forgotten. So, in the end, who knows what other small but important moments& thought& experiences have you forgotten, that you'll never get back.
Do what you can to make people happy, but don't worry so much about pleasing everyone all the time. Because that's not possible. Worry about yourself first.
Is what you're doing the right thing ? Make sure you won't regret it later.
&Don't be afraid to tell people what's on your mind. How are they supposed to know what you want if you never tell anyone ? You have to let people in your head sometimes to make your situation better.
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[31 May 2009|04:57am] |
Why is the dawn chorus singing already ?
I don't want this dream to end yet,& I'm not even sleeping.
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[14 May 2009|12:12am] |
My sister is under house arrest until July. Oh boy, she's always around.
I won at bingo for the first time ever today. I had to share it with five other people.
Nathan apologized to Leah. I am very proud of him, it takes a lot to say I'm sorry.
In my garden, only the radishes were growing, but now the peas are sprouting. There has been a lot of rain lately, so that is excellent.
Me& Casey went to Homo Hill,& there was totally a dude waiting. We sat on the steps for a while, too,& I explored the bathrooms, where I claimed, "This is where it all happens."
When Kathleen& I were taking Licky for a walk, Kathleen let go of the leash& Licky RAN after two waterfowl. They ran into the safety of the pond, but Licky followed after them& got all in the swamp& got all wet. There were teenagers jogging all in a circle.
I have no job, still. I need one. I am so bored.
I'm going to start reading Don Quixote. I loved this story as a kid.
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